Running Through Life
*You may want to read my previous blog "Running Through Songs" first.
At the point when I shared "Runaway" on IG I was in an odd position with the man that I love. (I did not realize on what level at that moment.) I could be wrong, although usually I am right, but I think he saw the post, listened to it or was keenly aware of the lyrics, and sent me a text message to see if I was “alright".
That text exchange from there lead me to turn off my notifications from him, then the phone completely. I chose to do that instead of what my first inclination was:
Delete his contact information
Do not initiate communicate with him
Mute him on social media
When he reaches I out I won't know who it is...that will rattle him and we would probably not talk for several weeks or months.
My thought was that this would give me enough time to work through the emotions welling up in my head. But I didn't do it. At some point after midnight I turned my phone back on (and his notifications), and he was still texting, but off the subject previously. It's then that I made a choice to stand in my feelings and face them like a grown-up. There was nothing I could do or say to change our "status". My job was to be a quality friend.
In the weeks to come our friendship continued without an issue. I stayed in my place and suppressed any emotion outside of that. Well, that was until one morning as I was convincing myself not to daydream or have hopes of a relationship with him, God checked me.
God: Like girl! How you gon' want something and not daydream about it, or ask for it? How else are going to get it? Why are you talking yourself out of this?
Me: Okay. (Yeah, I couldn't argue with him 1 bit.)
From that moment on I put my faith in God to give me what I desired. I found space to accept that I would not know how or when; that I would simply have to trust and believe. Needless to say approximately 1 month later he and I began dating. After 42 years of life, and millions of blessings; It still baffles me how a simple shift of the mind will change the trajectory of any situation.
Us coming to be was so intense and fluid that I had not thought about those 2 pivotal moments: me choosing not to run, though I was not calling it that then; and me choosing to be honest about my desires, until this month when I heard "Runaway" again.
As I drove around town, where all of my adult trauma took place, and listened to this song tears poured down my face. Man! How many times had I runaway from people? How many times had I anticipated pain based on a previous experience? How many times had I given up before I even tried? The answer was too many. There was a point in my wonderings that I almost slipped into a space of mourning over the "what-ifs". The reality is that those experiences taught me more that I can express.
I am not 100% sure when this running became my norm. Maybe it was somewhere around the time that I could not physically get up and run off my frustrations at my leisure. Besides simply loving to run, since undergrad that used to be my thing...hit the track or some pavement to settle my heart and soul. All that being said, I knew exactly where it ended.
It takes great courage to face your demons and fears all at once, and a special level of perseverance to blindly move in faith towards your heart's desires. I did that for the sake of one of the greatest blessings in my life. With that in my heart my tears of shame quickly became tears of joy and pride for acknowledging my mess, and actively choosing to be better for my benefit.
Yet again...I'm not perfect. Now more than ever I see my patterns and have to consciously check them. It's like rehab for runners. When you know better you should do better. Every day I am choosing to do better because we both deserve it.
April 2020