13RW: I've Been Disappointed
Watching 13RW stirred up a lot of emotions inside of me. It brought back some memories of high school that I never wanted to relive. As I contemplated all that these characters went through it made me realize it's so similar to stuff I have experienced as a full grown adult.
Crazy I know! But there are some very hurt, selfish, and immature people in the world who are allowed to vote, buy liquor/cigarettes/firearms, and enlist in the armed forces (i.e. adults).
But like I said, it stirred up so many emotions. It was almost like watching my HS years float by me. It was like watching the last year of my life replay. So needless to say I was a little unsettled as I watched the series (in 3 days). It had me reflecting on many things.
I'd been feeling a multitude of emotions before watching the show. I'd NEVER do anything to harm myself. So there's no need to put me on a suicide watch. But I sure was able to count 13+ reasons why I have had some deep feelings of frustration and disappointments some days. I, like Hannah, made a list of people that have hurt me in some awful ways. {LOL} I almost wrote a post about those people, summarizing those things.
Since I actually forgave them all, and I didn't want to hurt another person I chose another avenue of thought to express myself and hopefully enlighten some people as to why I live and move a certain way through this world. Very few people know my whole story. (I always joke that all of my friends can never be alone together or they'll be able to piece together my skeletons! LOL!) So, it can be hard for them to understand me. Some of that's by design. Other portions of that come from other things: assumptions, and not taking time to get to know me.
So I thought about all of the major madness I've been through, and what was at the core of those hurts. And I came up with 13RW I've Been Disappointed:
Lies- As an adult I have had people lie to me and about me on a regular. I'm not talking your run of the mill lies. I'm talking lies that I have vandalized an ex-bf's house, an ex-bf's car, stalked an ex-bf...Lies that have altered and could have altered my life. My favorite line is "You aint got to lie to kick it." ~Silkk the Shocker I hate liars. Yes, HATE!
Bullying- Seems like this wouldn't happen to grown-ups. But I've had my phone and email account hacked, had my phone spoofed so the person could make it look like I was harassing them and an ex-bf, purposely excluded from professional activities, intimidated, etc. All in an effort to abase me and keep me from excelling in some fashion or another.
Lack of Support- I don't ask for help often. It's not about pride. I just believe there are certain things that I should have to do (on my own). More times than not when I do I am ignored, forgotten, or not given the support I truly needed. So to avoid this altogether I simply don't ask unless I am pushed up against the wall.
Lack of Recognition- I work hard because that's just what my family does. But let me tell you what...It would be nice every once and a while for the entities that I work for/with to recognize my efforts that benefit them beyond my required efforts. It doesn't take much to do. A card, email, public thanks...choose 1.
Assumption That I'm a Super Hero- I cannot..I repeat canNOT do all I need to alone. I am far from Wonder Woman, Super Woman, or Shera. I know that God will only give me what I can bear. But some loads are meant to be shared. So, when I don't get support I have to figure it out on my own. When I do that doesn't mean that it wasn't at some type of cost to my mind, body, or spirit. It may look seamless and effortless. But trust me, it never is.
Loss of "Friends"- Yeah...it's hard losing people you thought that you were close to. I expect my friends to be loyal. I take the role seriously. But not everyone does. It's too bad. There's a lot more that we could accomplish if we did. Losing "friends" can be tougher than losing a mate. It's why I keep enough to myself. I just don't have the energy to go through those ups and downs +(see above).
Other People's Fears- My favorite personal quote is "I will not be limited by limitations you've placed on your life." I don't get scared by too much. But it sure irritates me when people try to limit me based on their fears. I have had people try to talk me out of my dreams because they would not ever do those things. Okay, that has nothing to do with me. So stop trying to stop me because you're scared.
Self-Centered People- I think this speaks for itself. Some people are so focused on them that they miss out on the blessings and opportunities around them. They often think by expending energy on other people/things will take away from their growth. But we all know that's not true. It's about balance. As much as I try to encourage balance some people would rather only care for self all alone.
Abandonment- I've been set aside by various people for various reasons. There have been occasions when I thought I was not good enough to "keep". But I love me some me, and I know that's not true.
Being Alone- Some days I hate it! It's not like I can't keep myself company. My mom taught me how to entertain myself as a child. After so many years of doing that; I've come to a place in my life that I'd rather not. I'd rather intentionally spend time with people.
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So thanks 13RW! Your series made me think and come to a beautiful place of understanding about myself. It was a little painful to go through. But I am thankful because I feel fully cleansed from these issues. They have no space in my world. They're just memories of why I've been disappointed in my life.
May 2017